APRIL 7, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 29

BIG TIPS

Our relationship is great, except she won't kiss me

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Well, spring seems to be tentatively revealing itself unto us, and I've actually found myself poking around outside and taking walks. Yesterday I passed my local boulangerie and thought, "hmmm... lingerie for bowlers? Teddies with "Mel" embroidered on a front pocket?"

Dear Ms. Martone,

My lover and I are both out lesbians in our mid-20's with professional careers. We met in college two years ago and immediately developed a strong physical and emotional bond. We moved in together after about six months of dating and have been committed partners ever since.

Sounds perfect, doesn't it? Well, there is one problem that is getting bigger by the day. My partner refuses to kiss me on the lips. She says she just isn't comfortable with it. I've heard that reluctance to kiss can mean a person does not want to commit herself totally to lesbianism, but my lover is very open minded about her sexual preference. I've asked both her and friends about bad breath or any other reason that kissing me might be uncomfortable and everyone discounts that. Aside from an aversion to kissing, my partner is fantastic sexually. We make love almost every day, and keep finding creative variations. She is sensitive to my needs, sexual and otherwise. Still, the lack of kisses is starting to erode my confidence in the future of the relationship. Am I off base? What can I do?

Dear Lonely Lips,

No Kisses

Well, don't feel crazy, because it sounds like your concerns are legitimate. Kissing can be intensely intimate: you're right up there, literally in the other person's face, and that can be more intimidating than similar oral engagement with other parts of our physical terrain.

Could she be nervous about her skill, or have had some awkward tongue poking/flopping incident in her dating past? (Actually, who hasn't?) The myth of the Automatically

Brilliant Kiss is even more popular than that dream of sex in which your elbow never gets stuck under your body and nothing goes numb.

Kissing, while sweet and sexy and fun, isn't necessarily automatically great, and you can work on it like you work on other parts of sex, and both can improve over time. It can be meditative or ravaging, delicate, even funny. Lots of people who are nervous about learning to dance start by following the rhythm of the person across from them, acting out the music, even just swaying back and forth with a nervous smile on their face: this can work in the world of shakin' some lip booty as well.

A shrink friend of mine suggested that this hesitance might be linked with other communication issues, since there can be a connection between the oral and verbal, but I guess mostly I'm concerned that your hon's aversion to kissing is causing you to fear for the entire future of the otherwise high quality love thing you two have going.

Does she know the extent to which this compromises the relationship for you? If so, why isn't she willing to flex on something that's so important to you? Kissing is a pretty common bit of sexual behavior, so do treat this as seriously as any other thing she might be leery of sexually. Maybe a hit or two of couples counseling could squeeze some info out of her that you've been unable to milk.

Of course, out of all of the things she could refuse to do oral sex, hanging back up the wet towels, or attending to an acceptable level of personal hygiene, for example maybe you lucked out. Anyway, I hope you're making out by Pride week. Good luck.

Dear M.T.

I'm a young man who has only recently come to terms with being bisexual. For the most part, I prefer women. And with a couple exceptions, I've been celibate for over two

years.

I just recently became fast friends with a wonderful gay woman I see weekly at a favorite hangout. And as much as I would like to think my constant thoughts about her are just a manifestation of how deep our

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friendship is, the truth is, I think I've fallen in love with her.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: “Oh no, not another one." We've never discussed sexuality or our romantic histories, so I don't know if she thinks or knows I'm gay, straight or bi. Plus, I've been confused further by some mental and physical signals she's given me-I'd rather not go into specifics. I don't know whether these signals are saying that she feels comfortable enough with our friendship that she can do these things without worrying about me taking them for a comeon, or if maybe they are a come-on.

So my question is: Am I pathetic, or what? No, that's not it. My question is, do I come clean? After all, if our friendship is as good as I think it is, it can survive a crush. Most of my female friends are people I either dated or wanted to date. But this is my first time I've gone hormonal on someone whose orientation tells me I should know better. Plus she's going through some personal problems I don't know the specifics of, and I'm sure this revelation won't help things. Besides, isn't a guy telling a lesbian he's in love with her, but won't act on it out of respect, worth about as much as telling your lover you want to cheat but won't, out of respect? Yeah, give that guy a freakin' medal!

Please help me. I feel I may burst, but losing this friendship will be ten times more painful than being rejected as a suitor. Do I give her the honesty she deserves, or the silence she may need? Is this a matter of "don't ask, don't tell?" I'm this close to reenacting Nicolas Cage singing "Love Me Tender" at the end of Wild At Heart the next time I see her. What do I do?

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Dear Love Her Tender, But Don't Wanna Offend,

I think the critical part of your letter is the line, "If our friendship is as good as I think it is, it can survive a crush." Hopefully, that's true. And what's probably going on is that you do have a crush, since actually being in love might technically require a little more history, and her actual knowledge of your feelings. However, boy howdy, crushes are real, real, real, and can knock the wind right out of you.

Tell her how you feel, in as non-pressured a way as possible. You have no way of knowing what her subtle signals mean: they may mean that she considers you to be a nosexual-risk confidante, so it could be upsetting for her to hear that she needs to take your attraction into consideration. Conversely, odder things have happened than a boy and a girl getting together, despite their more or less tenacious perch on some particular number of the Kinsey scale. Try to make your expression of attraction one that can be accepted by her as simply deeply flattering if she is indeed not interested that way, and make sure she knows that your continued friendship will not be compromised by a rejection. (Try hard to make that true, okay?) It's not offensive for a guy to have a crush on a lesbian, or to tell her: the offense occurs when the boys don't open their little ear holes to what the sister's saying, like, "I love you, but not in the special way."

I'm rooting for you. Good luck.

✓

Send queries for Ms. Martone, or M.T., or whatever you want to call her as long as it's nice, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101; fax 216-631-1082, or via America Online at ChronOhio, or Internet chronohio@aol.com.

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